Marland Monday: When You Diagnose the Phantom Fetus,It’s Time to Move On
Hi everyone, it’s the last Monday of the month, and it’s also…
Marland Monday!
Mondays are the days when I look back on the career of Douglas Marland, one of the best writers in the soap opera genre. Today however, is bittersweet. Friday we heard about the death of one of Marland’s muses, who gave two of his characters breath, Lisa Brown. After writing about Brown on Friday, I became melancholy. Still am. I’ve been thinking of time passing. The choices we make in our lives. When things are not working. Moving on.
I’ve been feeling sorry for myself about how my writing career has taken a hit the past two years. I’ve queried forty-seven agents for my memoir. They all said thanks but no thanks. Add to that but I’ve pitched and sent submissions of my writing to countless lit magazines, contests, writing residencies, etc. I’ve gotten about 120 rejections. This has done wonders for my self esteem. I try to remember what Samuel Beckett said: Fail big, fail better. But oh man, rejection just smarts. I want to make this clear: I know this is necessary for a writer. I get it. But man, add a pandemic and everyday things: being charged twice for a medical claim. Paying an ambulance bill that was $2000 and your insurance wouldn’t cover it. Your unemployment is about to expire. It gets to you. It wears a person out.
So this is when I try to see how my mentors/favorite writers got through tough times. After suffering two car accidents in two days, Paula Danziger found herself unable to teach. She decided to finally write a novel about a girl who risks everything when she stands up for her favorite teacher. The book was called The Cat Ate my Gymsuit, and it became a classic. Larry McMurtry was having a bad case of writer’s block while writing Lonesome Dove. He decided to take a break, then decided to just write something else completely different. He ended up writing The Desert Rose, the story of Las Vegas showgirl Harmony suddenly realizing her daughter Pepper is going to be a dancer at the casino she has worked at for years, but that means Harmony is out of a job. TDR is one of my favorite McMurtry novels. After writing that novel, McMurtry went back and finished Lonesome Dove, which won the Pulitzer for Fiction a year later.
Douglas Marland had the Phantom Fetus.
Let’s backtrack. In 1973, the bad girl/antiheroine Lisa was pregnant on As the World Turns. I can’t find out who the dad was because Lisa was between husbands at the time. Lisa went and saw her doctor Dr. Eric Lonsberry (quick note: isn’t that the best soap opera name? Paging Dr. Lonsberry!) Who was playing Dr. Lonsberry? Our Douglas Marland.
Before he was a writer, he was an actor. He was an understudy for Mister Roberts, did summer stock, and also appeared in a Playhouse 90 episode. But then he was given a recurring role as Dr. Lonsberry. Lisa kept on saying “I’m pregnant and I don’t know how it happened” (this prompted a viewer to send a letter to Eileen Fulton Lisa’s portrayer a pamphlet from Planned Parenthood. The letter said Dear Lisa, This is how it happened) From what I’ve read, Marland was excited. A regular job, plus he was working with Irna Phillips, the woman who created the soap opera genre.
One day Lisa was having stomach pains. They rushed her to the hospital. Dr. Lonsberry examined her then proceeded to do a C-section. But here’s the deal: There was no fetus. Nothing. Nobody there. Dr. Lonsberry said “There’s nothing there. It’s a phantom fetus!”
Yep. He said that (Eileen Fulton confirmed it in her memoir) This is when people snicker at soap operas. “A phantom fetus!” they might chortle. “That would never happen!” It’s true. This would not pass a creative writing beginning fiction workshop. It’s one of the reasons why Phillips was fired from As The World Turns.
Phillips died in December 1973.
Now imagine being the actor who had to say those lines. Marland later would say in a seminar that he said it, then couldn’t believe he just said it. He later told a seminar at the Paley Center that he was having a hard time with the dialogue because half of it was in Latin. But now he had to say “Phantom fetus?” I’m betting he also thought you know what? No. I’m done. He had to do something else. But what? All he did was act. Acting was in his blood. What else could he do? Well he could write something better than a phantom fetus. He decided to take a writing class. “The next best step is to write it yourself, and see if you can try to bring something new to daytime.” The teacher was a playwright named Harding Lemay. Lemay had been writing for the soap opera Another World for a couple of years. When the class ended, he invited Marland to write for the show.
I am never giving up writing; that much I know. What I’m trying to do is give up second guessing myself, my choices. Being kind to yourself can be incredibly hard. It’s easier to be the mean teacher who will tear you down simply because they can. I try to remember the lyrics to Sondheim’s “Move On” when George sings: I chose, and my world was shaken. His lover Dot responds: So what? The choice may have been mistaken/The choosing was not. You have to move on. This is probably my favorite Sondheim song. I’ve had to make choices that affected my writing time/career. The choosing wasn’t mistaken though. Marland didn’t make a bad choice when he took the role of Dr. Eric Lonsberry. He needed to work. He soon realized the plot line was really bad. But he moved on. He took a writing class that changed his life.
I have no idea sometimes who reads these Marland Mondays. People who love soaps, I know. Or writers. Here’s something for you today: be kind to yourself. Remember what Sondheim wrote: The choice may have been mistaken. The choosing was not. Move on. Maybe you didn’t have to say on national television “Oh my God! There’s nothing there! It’s a phantom fetus!” But there might be a setback in your life you beat yourself up like no one’s business. Do what Dot says:
Just keep moving on
Anything you do
Let it come from you
Then it will be new
Give us more to see
Tune in next week.
